A Christmas Carol-- what happened afterwards

And so the Christmas spirit took root deep in Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge’s heart and after the Cratchit household had eaten, he called a surgeon friend of his and arranged to get Tiny Tim’s wimpy leg fixed. Scrooge also booked himself into a spa; got his eyebrows and hair trimmed, lost 20 pounds and he and Cratchit (now Bob) started a goose-of-the-month club and pretty soon they went global. They also invested in run down areas of the city by turning old factories into condo’s for artists and political activists then sold at huge profits. Nice.

Scrooge married his 23 year old blond masseuse, traveled abroad and became a philanthropist which really irritated Bob who felt that people should work for what they get. Giving people money only taught them to be lazy and then they go to seed. Bob would point to Tiny Tim as an example. Since the kid got his leg fixed he wore his hair in a Mohawk, dyed it pink, sold his crutch to buy an XBox and sat around playing video games all day. Bob went on an anti-depressant ( Happidaze, 20 mg ) to deal with parental frustration.

When children came around selling cookies for their school and nervously went through their polite pitch to sell, Bob would glare at them and yell “Buzz off!” and slam the door in their horrified little faces. “ Bah! Handouts!” he would mutter and pour himself a glass of 20 year old Scotch.

Bob and Mrs. Cratchit built on the lake at a place called Cratchit’s Cove in a gated community. Bob came home one day to find Mrs. Cratchit in tears. She threw a meat pie at him, barely missed. “I’m sick of cooking porridge and pies all day.” She said,” I’m tired of being called Mrs. Cratchit by everybody including you. I’m a human being with feelings. My name is Vicki. We never go anywhere and I want to go to Myrtle Beach for a weekend. Is that asking too much from this relationship Bob?”

So Bob took Vicki to Myrtle Beach and they really had a nice time, learned to shag and shared a plate of spaghetti, even kissing on the last noodle like those dogs do in Disney’s “The Lady and the Tramp”. Later they made passionate love—one and half times, watched some TV and fell asleep. At midnight Bob awoke and went for a walk on the beach. While walking his Blackberry buzzed --- a text from some Spirit solicitor, “3 SPIRITS 2 CU MNDA”.

“Puhleeze!” thought Bob, “Enough already.” So he texted back, “NO 2BZEE!!!”
Nevertheless three spirits showed up at the office on Monday, jolly fellows with Brooklyn accents and prop chains and locks, spirits who seemed to be short on subject matter and long on office jokes. They also mentioned morals, ethics and greed just before they left.

Suddenly Bob Cratchit awoke and looked around. It had all been a dream. He was in the Hair of the Dog tavern and it was 1884. Bob had been retired for years, drank heavily and lived alone. A young man at the bar by the name of Mac or Mark “Twine” or maybe it was “Twain” approached Bob and tried to sell him the rights to a story about an American kid’s travels down the Mississippi river. “Not interested,” said Bob taking a big swig of ale then wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, “but maybe the newspaper will print it. Yea, you might even get your own column.” And he laughed so hard he fell off his bar stool.