Dear Santa,
It’s been awhile since I’ve written to you but now I take pen in hand and paper to thank you for Christmas’s past ( the chemistry set in ’65 was neat--- home owners insurance did pay for mom’s kitchen) and to ask you for a favor.
I have three wonderful grandchildren and I would love for you to make a special appearance this Christmas at their homes. If you could stop by, knock on the door or even come down the chimney and surprise them with your jolly Ho! Ho! Ho! , shake that big belly of yours and bring some special toys I’d really appreciate it. Oh, and if you could let them see the sleigh and the reindeer-- Donner, Blitzen, Cupid and the rest that would really be a hoot!
Sincerely,
Joe
(Your biggest fan)
To: Joehud@hotmail.com
From: Sclaus@northpole.mx.net
Joe,
Sorry for the delay in answering your letter but our postal mail division was downsized some time ago. We deal mainly with emails or website orders—it’s a 30% savings over handling postal letters.
Our security people X-rayed your envelope, cleared it then sent it to our Finance Division for their opinion as to the most cost effective way to address this matter. From there it went to our Risk Management division to be reviewed for legal and liability issues. I’m sure you can appreciate our concerns.
Joe, while I am honored by your request for me to make an appearance for your grandchildren our Public Relations Division and Accounting has determined it simply is not cost effective for the CEO to make house calls anymore. I do publicity appearances and handle the really big jobs but these days I’m mostly administration.
I’m now working with a great bunch of reindeer but they are currently under contract doing a Discovery Channel documentary (Reindeer—Animals With Feelings) and are unavailable at this time. The old bunch is no longer with us. We can’t discuss personnel issues but if it’s all the same to you I’d forget that bunch of union threatening hoof stomping hay eaters (read: JERKS). We have a new contract with a reindeer firm in New Zealand and things run much smoother now.
As far as toys I don’t work out of a bag anymore. We now distribute out of Puerto Rico, the Philippines and India. Elf labor got to be expensive with health care, holiday pay, workers comp, retirement benefits, etc. Besides, the North Pole isn’t going to last much longer what with global warming so we’re looking at Miami for a new headquarters.
We now deliver by automated GPS guided robotic reindeer with pneumatic lifts and tubes that shoot the presents right down the chimney within a five foot radius of a Christmas tree. I can monitor any delivery from my laptop and be on FaceBook at the same time. LOL!
You mentioned the “big belly”. Joe, I’m not the big fat guy I use to be. No, I was weight challenged and decided to face it head-on. I learned that I don’t have to be fat and jolly in order to be accepted. I admitted to candy abuse, joined a support group and now I do a lot of cardio workouts and keep a diary of my feelings. I’ve taken charge of my life and I’m down to 167 pounds. I was motivated to do all this by watching Dr. Phil on TV.
It was good to hear from you. I’ll mail you three 8 by 10 glossies, autographed. Mrs. Claus and I love your column.
Merry Christmas.
Later.
SENT FROM MY WIRELESS BLACKBERRY
It’s been awhile since I’ve written to you but now I take pen in hand and paper to thank you for Christmas’s past ( the chemistry set in ’65 was neat--- home owners insurance did pay for mom’s kitchen) and to ask you for a favor.
I have three wonderful grandchildren and I would love for you to make a special appearance this Christmas at their homes. If you could stop by, knock on the door or even come down the chimney and surprise them with your jolly Ho! Ho! Ho! , shake that big belly of yours and bring some special toys I’d really appreciate it. Oh, and if you could let them see the sleigh and the reindeer-- Donner, Blitzen, Cupid and the rest that would really be a hoot!
Sincerely,
Joe
(Your biggest fan)
To: Joehud@hotmail.com
From: Sclaus@northpole.mx.net
Joe,
Sorry for the delay in answering your letter but our postal mail division was downsized some time ago. We deal mainly with emails or website orders—it’s a 30% savings over handling postal letters.
Our security people X-rayed your envelope, cleared it then sent it to our Finance Division for their opinion as to the most cost effective way to address this matter. From there it went to our Risk Management division to be reviewed for legal and liability issues. I’m sure you can appreciate our concerns.
Joe, while I am honored by your request for me to make an appearance for your grandchildren our Public Relations Division and Accounting has determined it simply is not cost effective for the CEO to make house calls anymore. I do publicity appearances and handle the really big jobs but these days I’m mostly administration.
I’m now working with a great bunch of reindeer but they are currently under contract doing a Discovery Channel documentary (Reindeer—Animals With Feelings) and are unavailable at this time. The old bunch is no longer with us. We can’t discuss personnel issues but if it’s all the same to you I’d forget that bunch of union threatening hoof stomping hay eaters (read: JERKS). We have a new contract with a reindeer firm in New Zealand and things run much smoother now.
As far as toys I don’t work out of a bag anymore. We now distribute out of Puerto Rico, the Philippines and India. Elf labor got to be expensive with health care, holiday pay, workers comp, retirement benefits, etc. Besides, the North Pole isn’t going to last much longer what with global warming so we’re looking at Miami for a new headquarters.
We now deliver by automated GPS guided robotic reindeer with pneumatic lifts and tubes that shoot the presents right down the chimney within a five foot radius of a Christmas tree. I can monitor any delivery from my laptop and be on FaceBook at the same time. LOL!
You mentioned the “big belly”. Joe, I’m not the big fat guy I use to be. No, I was weight challenged and decided to face it head-on. I learned that I don’t have to be fat and jolly in order to be accepted. I admitted to candy abuse, joined a support group and now I do a lot of cardio workouts and keep a diary of my feelings. I’ve taken charge of my life and I’m down to 167 pounds. I was motivated to do all this by watching Dr. Phil on TV.
It was good to hear from you. I’ll mail you three 8 by 10 glossies, autographed. Mrs. Claus and I love your column.
Merry Christmas.
Later.
SENT FROM MY WIRELESS BLACKBERRY
It's about time Santa stepped into the new millennium! Way to go, Santa!
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