Confessions of a Consumer--I'm off bottled water

So long, so sad, too bad -- goodbye Aqafina, goodbye Dasani , goodbye Voss and even future brands of bottled water —Johnny Tsunami, Rikki Lake, River Phoenix, Oceans 11, Sea of Love--- I am stopping the insane practice of buying bottled water. I have perfectly good water coming out of my kitchen tap. Even my toilet bowl has drinking water—our dog will be glad to show you.

Relationships run their course and so, Bottled Water, I am through with you. Goodbye, au revoir, sayonara, hit the road Jack, cease and decease. No more designer water for me. I’ll take it wet and cool-- if you want flavor toss in a lemon. Oxygenated? Insert a straw, take a breath and blow.

I was raised on a tobacco farm and when you work all day in a hot sandy field without an iPod, cable TV, laptop, cell phones and without access to PC’s, Facebook, Twitter or YouTube, you are forced to listen to your father-- for hours.

My father invented cheapo conservatism (though he was a Democrat by religion) and would claim my decision deserves no applause— “What took you so long, Beaucephus?” he would have commented. He spent his life resisting the temptations that corporations tried to force on him--- things he didn’t want or need. He would no more buy Rocky Mountain air than he would French soil. We plowed with a mule until they had a fire sale on Farmall tractors—used.

The CEO’s of Perrier and Acqua di Cristallo made millions off those of us, you and me that wanted to rise above the unwashed masses. We convinced ourselves we could be healthy, liberal and progressive and so in restaurants people paid for a bottle of Perrier as though it were an aged Merlot. We felt it lent sophistication to our grilled cheese sandwich.

So what other useless things in my life should go? Recently at a gathering a woman pinched my cheek and informed me “You’re beginning to get jowls. You know face tucks are not very expensive.” Oh Sweet Momma! A man lives to hear that—you sure don’t want to be walking around with your face looking like melted candle wax. Thanks for the heads up, Princess. Anything else? I can’t pronounce the capital of Tibet either. Please, do go on, improve me.

I gave up watching TV years ago when I realized I’d forgotten how nice an evening walk could be and realized I missed the sound of lawn sprinklers and water slapping on the hydrangeas. I now refuse to buy an iPod and put wires in my ears because I like to hear people talk.

Take it from a jowled rehabilitated consumer---reform is good. You pull back on the throttle just in time to clear a line of trees and see clear blue sky and life is much sweeter. So likewise I choose to stop buying bottled water. I’m back in control.

There is much in the universe we do not understand---Christmas tree lights for example. You pack them away neatly; close the lid and a year later open the box to find they’ve become entangled, practically grown together—why is that? Stephen Hawking, the famous wheel chair bound physicist probably doesn’t have a clue. But everyone can understand the foolishness of buying bottled water.

If a country boy can understand the need to stop buying something we don’t need in order to reduce spending, shouldn’t Washington be able to figure out the same thing? There comes a time to cut back. We’ve drank bottled water long enough, Honey Bunch. Deal with it.