I was sitting in Starbucks on Broad Street and observed that young people lack the style and finesse for success---they look as if they were all stamped out of sheet metal. They sit slump shouldered and zombie-like staring at lap-top screens--- held captive for hours by websites like YouTube, Twitter and other Places of the Bored. A young man sits glassy eyed staring at a video of a chipmunk doing the Electric Slide.
Such a pity. No one has ever taken the time to show them that proper use of a newspaper is a one very important key to success. Forget dribble about the importance of the printed page in history---a newspaper, my children, is a statement of sophistication and style. A must have accessory.
You can lean against the corner of a building with it or sit with your Rainbow sandals resting on your desk – a newspaper allows you to demonstrate your attitude on life---it implies Control.
You open a newspaper with a flourish (such confidence!) while a quick snap of the wrists forces the journal upright and straight. You are in command, captain of your ship and now others know it. Your eyes take in the news of the world with all it’s calamities and joys. Later you finish, fold the paper in half, tuck it under your arm and arise. You have assessed the world, you will now saunter forth and engage in profitable industry. Women just love that sort of thing.
John Wayne, Clark Gable, Gregory Peck, all the Class Acts used the newspaper to show command and charisma. Sipping a latte while looking at the Facebook profile of Debbie from Indiana, 28, (“Through sorrow we find joy”) and her parakeet Mr. Feathers is not an image of success.
But a reader holding a newspaper is an executive, a decision maker, a soon-to-be-billionaire. The newspaper gives depth to your identity, like holding a trumpet did for Louis Armstrong.
Follow these simple rules and prepare to embrace success:
1.Procrastinate the opening of a newspaper. Do not rush it. Scrutinize the fresh unread pages and headlines as you would a Picasso or your phone bill. Remember you’re the one holding knowledge---- everybody else is reading what their friends had for breakfast.
2.For an international image enter the coffee shop with at least three newspapers tucked under your arm---act a bit hurried. You’ll be noticed by the herd. They’ll prick up their ears and twitch their noses. Now you’re the one with the big pair of antlers. A young man with three newspapers is probably a dot com billionaire and a fiftyish person in mismatched clothing and dark glasses may be a movie star (they can’t read enough about themselves).
3.Once you begin to read, never look up or become distracted--- you be the one in control— let others jump at imagined noises.
4.Take your pen out and circle something with exaggerated effort. This creates mystery— women nearby fretting with their mocha frappuccinos may swoon.
5.When you’re through reading close the paper loudly and toss it aside in an arrogant motion of dismissal. Now you have knowledge—your stead awaits, seize the day m’ Lord.
You should be out and back on the street in 30 minutes---tops.
The internet will consume your life and rob you of sunshine and ideas. Now you have enough free time to write a book or start that chain of bobble-head shops or do the big one---Have a Life.
By reading a newspaper you have acquired time and knowledge, Sugar Plum, now it’s up to you.
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