The Taming of Man

Years of research has shown that women have a civilizing effect on men. The idea sells a boat load of women’s magazines.

Many believe that without women men would remain slobs and that our knuckles would still be dragging the ground. At some point a cavewoman gave a caveman a list of errands ( get some milk and pick up a rotisserie chicken at the T Rex Mart) and so he figured out a lot of things. Civilization with its paved roads, pick-up trucks and forklifts is just the result of some poor man trying to get a wooly mammoth back home and in the freezer. Remember, she’d sent him for a chicken.

But the truth of the matter is men are still slobs; we just don’t get to enjoy it.
Recently my wife went out of town for a few days and suddenly the house sprouted clothes like mushrooms after a rain. There were socks on the couch, shoes in the dining room, pants hanging on chairs, T shirts in the hall and boxers in the refrigerator---just kidding--- that was my my Beatles "White Album".

A home is subject to the same laws of physics as the rest of the universe and when a stable body is removed a vacuum occurs and an ugly truth is revealed--- the only body left in the house does not know where the laundry room is.

High school science teaches us that a body at rest tends to stay at rest unless a body close by reminds the first body that the garbage isn’t going to take itself out. For men “at rest” is our normal state. Exceptions to this rule occur when men gravitate towards a smaller mass such as the remote or a bag of Doritos.

Men are like bears, loveable slobs of nature and we like to do what bears do. Left alone we’d amble about, swipe at a jumping salmon or two, rub our backsides against anything upright and sleep all winter. We are not aggressive but we will shovel our driveway when it snows to show the other bear guys that we are alive and virile and don’t mess with our honey bunch. On the other hand clearing the snow away makes it easier for other bear guys to come into your home--- but then bear guys aren’t noted for being real smart.

Men are by nature simply not civilized. We should never have put plumbing in the cave. Given our druthers toilet seats would not only be left up at all times, we’d tear them out completely. We believe long pants at breakfast are not necessary and the only food that should never be barbequed is yogurt.

Like government bonds we take awhile to mature and if you bring us into a relationship patience is required. It takes time for us to forget we use to scarf milk straight out of the carton but now we should pour it into a glass. Shortly after we were married my wife began training me with jelly glasses that had pictures on them. Every time I poured the milk into a glass with the funny pictures she would give me a piece of cheese. I was so proud.

A man needs a woman even more than he needs zinc or vitamin E. At times men grumble about domestication and howl into the dark but it’s all bravado. Honey Cakes, deep down men will embrace any rule and strive to do our best so long as we know this one thing about women--- and that is that they love us.