Recently I had the privilege of spending a couple of hours with our newest city councilman, Mr. Roy West, who is known for his quick humor, business savvy and who has a passion for cycling which is why his stomach is flat. My stomach is round, like a planet…with it’s own gravity field…and I think last night I attracted a moon. You can understand my concern.
I have been feeling out of shape lately probably due to cutting back on my exercise regime about 40 years ago. Back in olden times I rode a bicycle to do my errands and I averaged about five miles a day. But that was in 1970 miles which today would be like 30 miles. I was flat bellied and my prostate was the size of an almond, not a grapefruit.
I even had running shoes back then, Nike’s but we didn’t know how to pronounce it because there was no Google or internet. In my day being a cyclist or a cross country runner was great birth control. You may as well have been sprayed with girl repellent.
Some time ago I approached fifty with the enthusiasm you reserve for a colonoscopy and felt the first call of getting older—the urge to spend money on exercise equipment.
My first purchase was a quality bicycle since running was now out for me. In college the only joints I burned and smoked were my ankles.
The nice bike salesman, Fernando offered to help me further. We started with the basics and I got a helmet that was gluten free and firmly cradles your head to prevent the reoccurrence of childhood memories involving an emotionally distant father. He said it was all the rage in California.
Then I got self-adhesive tire patches, tire levers, a spare inner tube and an easy carry air pump. The rest of the staff in the store gathered to watch Fernando assist me.
With his arm around my shoulders he walked me through the aisles pointing out the “must haves” and so I bought a small bottle of chain lube, a light weight solar tent for sudden blizzards, an outdoor bicycle cover (water proof), a locking upright roof rack for hauling the bike to places I can’t afford to go, sweat proof sunscreen designed for cyclists by a NASA sun specialist, an oak wood floor to ceiling storage rack, arch support cycling shoes ( though a riding sport, cycling can be brutal on your feet--- according to Fernando), a wireless odometer that remembers your birthday, a spandex cycling jersey (one can dream), half-finger gloves with cushions made of Persian cat fur and my favorite, padded shorts that protect what Forest Gump calls your “But-tocks”.
And that was just for daylight riding.
We worked through the afternoon and I bought taillight reflectors, ankle reflectors and the cutest little windbreaker you ever saw with zippered vented flaps all in coordinating colors.
At check out Fernando totaled my bill and gave a moving speech about my impending fitness—there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. As I went out the door I think I heard the opening of champagne and what sounded like “He’s a jolly good fellow” being sung to Fernando.
I drove home that day taking note that other cyclists looked so unprepared. Shmucks.
It took me weeks to cut off all the price tags and months to unbox everything. In the meantime I’d found this awesome herbal tea from South Africa that slims you down and buffs you up. It takes years to kick in but when it does, I’ll be all set to ride.
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