Censored Columnist caught in Saladgate

I’m eating a burrito at a local Mexican restaurant and discussing the blight of North Carolina politics when a waiter I’m not familiar with comes up to me and in broken English explains I owe him $18.76 for a taco salad.

I politely tell him he is mistaken and resume my conversation but the man does not walk away. I turn back to him and he explains that some weeks ago he served me and when he left me the ticket to sign for my credit card I picked up the customer copy, never signed the merchant copy and walked out. He was forced to pay the bill.

My face turned red with anger, I sensed a scam. Suddenly I thought about actors and politicians in newspaper headlines that had been caught stealing (Wealthy Actress arrested with $1.50 Lipstick in Purse—Whoa Momma!) and people all over America think, “Petty theft, how disgraceful. I always knew she was rich trash.” I did not want to be thought of as petty or trash or someone with lip stick. I didn’t want to be scammed either.

People nearby overheard and were staring and suddenly I remembered that particular lunch--- how I was upset about a work issue--- and decided to leave---- and grabbed my ticket---- and rushed out the----Oh. My. Goodness. He was right! I had inadvertently stiffed the guy! Where I come from they put such thieves in wooden stocks so people passing by can pull the offenders ears and twist his nose. And so I paid up. I also added an enormous tip. I saw a woman at a nearby table shake her head.

I didn’t mind paying my debt-- it was the embarrassment and the quick judgment of those looking on who did not know all the facts that hurt so bad. The waiter wasn’t just collecting a debt, he was testifying in a Congressional hearing.
Later I realized my Saladgate was probably God’s punishment for an email I had sent earlier.

I had been invited by an academic institution to submit an article about local life, politics and food--- make it humorous. After reviewing it they sent it back saying it was too conservative politically. What!? Suddenly I heard muskets firing and saw redcoats running and I was crossing the Delaware River standing in a row boat. This was censorship and tyranny boys, and we ain’t gonna take it. No sirree.

To be censored in America is a high honor for any writer because it never really happens but to imagine being censored makes you feel wonderfully righteous. So I fired off a hastily written email indignant about their “caveman mentality”, their “mushy liberal politics” and “freedom of expression being the American way”, etc. and I considered further action (Censored Columnist Occupies Public Park—Mayor cancels peace negotiations with Mooresville to monitor situation).

Later they emailed back “Sorry you are upset. Nevertheless you’re still our favorite columnist.” and my arrogant hot jets suddenly cooled and sputtered to a stop in mid air.

Now humbled I reviewed the email I had sent with it’s haughty tone. When you write a sanctimonious letter like that you lose control; you don’t argue the facts but instead your chest swells and you defend godliness, the Constitution, freedom of the press, the Alamo and the plight of Irish people everywhere. And shortly thereafter you stiff a hard working waiter of his money and a woman watches you, shakes her head and thinks “ That poor man needs serious help.” and then she glances into her compact mirror and makes sure her lipstick is on properly.