Missing socks--they just want a life

There are a lot of unsettling moments in life. Like the time you first realized your parents had a life before you and suddenly there is awkwardness. Then there was the first time you saw the movie “Love Story” and Ali McGraw died. You sat there sobbing uncontrollably with tears streaming down your face and hugged anyone within 10 feet of you. But nothing quite unsettles you like standing in front of the laundry basket in your underwear 10 minutes before you have to leave for work and realize you are missing a sock.

You stand there holding one lonely sad sock. You both feel abandoned—incomplete. Did you say something wrong? Did a sock take offense? You might have mentioned you wished the length was ankle high when they were actually above-calf but you were just kidding---you meant nothing by it. No matter, a sock has gone AWOL, vamoosed---missing.

There should be a committee, perhaps the American Committee for the study of Escaping Socks (ACES) to address this issue. This type of behavior could be called “Provoked Sock Movement” or PSM. No doubt university sockologists would say there are reasons for PSM and they go deep.

Socks are forced into a life of drudgery. They are stretched and pulled over yellow gnarly toenails or feet ripe with athletes’ foot. Socks are forced over large bunions and toe jam that smells like bad mayonnaise. Sometimes a sock is crammed into shoes too small and forced to absorb sweat all day. Do we ever say “Thank you, Sock”? No, we assume they will be there when we need them. Being taken for granted can affect a relationship—just ask your spouse. Therefore we should not be surprised when one lone sock has had enough and calls it quits.

Remember those times at night when you thought you heard a bump or soft scampering? That is a sock making an escape. The next morning you walk by a clothes drawer that is partially open. You could have sworn you closed that very same drawer yesterday. If you look closely you’ll notice the drawer is open just enough for---yes--- a sock to squeeze through. The hair rises on the back of your neck and you wonder just how close it crawled by you last night on its way out. Be sure to count the kitchen knives.

Where do socks go?

Some socks leave to find religion or go into therapy or join cults. Many run out of steam in the escape and end up behind a washing machine or dryer. They were drawn there out of familiarity and could not make the climb up to the outside dryer vent. Months later you move the appliance for cleaning and the socks are found lying there flat, dust coated and shriveled.

Socks are basically kind hearted. They may look for people that need help, people who have had their socks knocked off. Socks want to feel needed.

Escaped socks sometimes die by roads and highways. Occasionally you will see one on the side of the road or lying on a traffic island by an interstate highway. Some look vaguely familiar --the “missing” brown Argyle? But the rains have pounded it flat and now its threads are left to be bleached by the sun. It’s not a pretty sight.

Socks that leave or “missing” are trying to be an individual and have a full life and when you think about it, that’s a lot like us. So as you start your day consider those that make your steps easier--- be they human or sock. Say “Thank you“, tread lightly and be nice.