So I’m riding down Interstate 40 thinking about my tennis elbow and Obamacare-- which led me to worry about national bankruptcy and how will we eat when the army locks all the food in secured warehouses and that in turn made me think about something for supper --- then suddenly there was a blue light flashing behind me. One minute you’re part of the regular crowd, an honest person headed home thinking about pizza delivery and mobs in the streets; the next minute you’re pulling over onto the highway’s Shoulder of Shame. You wonder if the night will end with you wearing a bright orange jumpsuit and being served bread-and-water in lockup.
You try to be upbeat---maybe the jail will have some nice Italian bread with herbs and a balsamic dip. Maybe your cell mate will be a timid drunk named Dwayne rather than a very lonely muscular man called “Bull”.
Your first thought is to not act in a suspicious manner. Law Enforcement officers hate it when you act in a suspicious manner. The officers become cautious and may suspect they are dealing with a criminal or a Washington lobbyist—two species that you always approach with caution.
If at that moment a rabid badger bursts into your car and dives into your lap you must ignore it completely or they’ll think your frantic activity is an attempt to conceal something. So never mention the badger. These are trained professionals and they are not fooled by Sudden Badger Syndrome. Just lean over and put both hands out the driver’s window and act like the guilty scum that you are.
Things go through your mind. You promise God anything if He’ll get you out of this. Or you hope the trooper just became a missionary and he’ll start practicing grace and forgiveness right now before he goes to Rwanda. You’d make a great first test case.
Suddenly you remember that time in 1974 when you were dancing in a crowd of people in Atlanta at Ruby’s Red Warehouse. You pulled a yellow lever marked “Do Not Pull”. Who knew the building’s fire suppression system would work so well—and that polyester bell-bottom suits retained so much water? Now, after all these years, they’ve finally found you and you’re going to be the poster child for Cold Cases Solved.
Your heart pounds as your tires touch the rough shoulder of the road. You cling to hope, maybe it’s a forgotten parking ticket but deep down you think--- what if he has a warrant and you’re going to get a matching set of ankle bracelets? You wore sneakers today, you should have worn loafers. On TV they remove your shoe laces and belt. You realize you’ll have to walk with your toes curled to keep your shoes on.
Suddenly the blue light is beside me but then continues on. What’s this? The officer passes me ---he was after someone else! You accelerate back onto the road as relief washes over you. It feels wonderful to be out from under judgment, a good lesson to remember—obey the law. But then human nature regains control and relief is replaced with smugness and you smote your breast and thank God you are not as other men are-- liars, extortionists, publicans or a speeding motorist.
So now I’m steering with my knees and typing all of this into my Blackberry.
You say what?
Yea, I know you’re not suppose to text in a car but this is just for a second……and the knees………..aw, c’mon, geeeez! It’s not like I’m a liar or an extortionist or a publican or…….
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